I had planned to tell everyone that baby #3 was coming September 2020…

But let me tell you how quick life can change. It only took the sonographer 2.5 seconds to tell me that the pregnancy I have been carrying was not viable. Though I knew it right away…I have had two healthy pregnancy’s so I know instantly what I should see. I actually said it before she did and instantly lost it. I knew that morning in my soul that this was the news I would get. How did I know? I could not begin to explain that part. We were given weird gifts and I think that is one of mine. Just knowing when something is off. With situations, with people… just in general. I just can feel stuff. 

My entire life changed that quick. I have told some family and friends, We have bought baby things… I  even had a photo shoot set up for yesterday afternoon… That evening was also fully planned for the last 4 weeks to tell our boys and we knew exactly how we would do it. Y’all. I even planned the conception down to the due date I wanted. The fact that we got pregnant in the exact month that I  hoped for was so awesome! I had internally planned it for so many reasons and was so excited it was working out.

I  have not even had that long to process this but I  do know this. God is still good. I made plans and his prevailed. Does that mean God is awful because he did not give me what I wanted so he’s the worst? Not even for a second did I blame God. My relationship with Jesus is solid and that feeling and thought was never even on my mental radar.  But why? I just understand this fallen world, biology and science. I also know that God is not a magician. He is our helper and he is close to the broken hearted {Psalms 34:18} God never ever said this life would be easy and that we would be free from pain and heartache. Did he? I fully realize crappy stuff happens and we won’t ever begin to fathom the why behind these things this side of heaven but one thing I do know is that God is forever with me. He is my number one and no matter how hard this is for me right now to be 1 in 4… and that won’t ever change the fact that God’s plan is the right plan even when my reality sucks really bad… We altered our entire future in a matter of weeks. We envisioned our life as a family of 5 plus a wild pup. We planned vacations, my yearly work schedule and travel around this pregnancy. We planned it all down to the week. I  even had a sitter lined up for me to continue my work as normal after the baby arrived. I  thought of EVERYTHING- except losing this baby. I  never once allowed myself to see this part of the possible story line. I  saw that positive test and at 6 weeks symptoms hit like a title wave and it was on. The Hollis party  of 5 officially started.. and yesterday at 10:15am it all came to a screeching halt. I  now understand what so many of my friends have gone through. To mourn the loss of a life you will never meet is excruciatingly painful. It is also so true that even if you have older kids this news still comes as a massive shock to your core that you don’t really fully fathom.  Will we try again? I am not sure. I am not getting any younger and the age gaps between my kids are not getting any smaller. Even if I never have another child I do know that I am so grateful for the life God has given us. This kind of situations rocks you. It changes you in ways you never saw coming.