January 28, 2020

Miscarriage | Atlanta Family Photographer

FILED IN: Uncategorized

I had planned to tell everyone that baby #3 was coming September 2020…

But let me tell you how quick life can change. It only took the sonographer 2.5 seconds to tell me that the pregnancy I have been carrying was not viable. Though I knew it right away…I have had two healthy pregnancy’s so I know instantly what I should see. I actually said it before she did and instantly lost it. I knew that morning in my soul that this was the news I would get. How did I know? I could not begin to explain that part. We were given weird gifts and I think that is one of mine. Just knowing when something is off. With situations, with people… just in general. I just can feel stuff. 

My entire life changed that quick. I have told some family and friends, We have bought baby things… I  even had a photo shoot set up for yesterday afternoon… That evening was also fully planned for the last 4 weeks to tell our boys and we knew exactly how we would do it. Y’all. I even planned the conception down to the due date I wanted. The fact that we got pregnant in the exact month that I  hoped for was so awesome! I had internally planned it for so many reasons and was so excited it was working out.

I  have not even had that long to process this but I  do know this. God is still good. I made plans and his prevailed. Does that mean God is awful because he did not give me what I wanted so he’s the worst? Not even for a second did I blame God. My relationship with Jesus is solid and that feeling and thought was never even on my mental radar.  But why? I just understand this fallen world, biology and science. I also know that God is not a magician. He is our helper and he is close to the broken hearted {Psalms 34:18} God never ever said this life would be easy and that we would be free from pain and heartache. Did he? I fully realize crappy stuff happens and we won’t ever begin to fathom the why behind these things this side of heaven but one thing I do know is that God is forever with me. He is my number one and no matter how hard this is for me right now to be 1 in 4… and that won’t ever change the fact that God’s plan is the right plan even when my reality sucks really bad… We altered our entire future in a matter of weeks. We envisioned our life as a family of 5 plus a wild pup. We planned vacations, my yearly work schedule and travel around this pregnancy. We planned it all down to the week. I  even had a sitter lined up for me to continue my work as normal after the baby arrived. I  thought of EVERYTHING- except losing this baby. I  never once allowed myself to see this part of the possible story line. I  saw that positive test and at 6 weeks symptoms hit like a title wave and it was on. The Hollis party  of 5 officially started.. and yesterday at 10:15am it all came to a screeching halt. I  now understand what so many of my friends have gone through. To mourn the loss of a life you will never meet is excruciatingly painful. It is also so true that even if you have older kids this news still comes as a massive shock to your core that you don’t really fully fathom.  Will we try again? I am not sure. I am not getting any younger and the age gaps between my kids are not getting any smaller. Even if I never have another child I do know that I am so grateful for the life God has given us. This kind of situations rocks you. It changes you in ways you never saw coming. 


slow shutter self portrait January 2020slow shutter self portrait January 2020

slow shutter self portrait January 2020

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